I tried to get creative with the title for today's post, people, but I figured I'd just get right down to business. What IS it about those pesky little pus-filled things that just makes me feel so irritated and usually just downright UGLY?!
But seriously. Maybe writing about pimples is stupid, but I feel like the issue is really bigger than that. For whatever reason, when I get a pimple I feel like the ugliest person that ever lived. I've been taking crap for my face ever since I was in high school and I've had my share of bad face days but I really thought the worst of it was behind me. Now mind you, I've never had bad acne. But I did, for a period of time, have pimples that would not relent and would come with lots of friends at a time. But I had a pretty long period of time where I'd get the occasional pimple but it was nothing to write home about. NOW for whatever reason, my freaking stress hormones have decided to wreak havoc on my poor little face. My chin is a battlefield and the rest of my face really isn't safe either. In the big scheme of things, acne isn't a big deal. It's a surface thing. It might seem shallow of me to even be discussing it. But when I get several pimples at once, it's all I can see when I look in the mirror. I don't see my big brown eyes, my usually pretty complexion, my nice smile or anything else. It's like someone took a picture and all the little pimples are in focus and everything else fades into the background. For some reason, when I break out, my self-confidence ends up in the toilet, and there's nothing I can do except wait out the war that's being waged on my face and hope to come out unscathed. So although my family roles their eyes when I ask if they would like to take up residence with the (bear with me, I'm exaggerating here) 1,000 pimples that live currently on my chin, they roll their eyes and start to get frustrated with me. But when I look in the mirror and all I can see are pimples, it takes me back to high school and feeling very unattractive. I get so in my head about it that when I feel that someone is admiring me I almost get embarrassed for them- like there's nothing about me that deserves a second look.
For the most part, I feel very blessed with the hands I've been dealt physically and mentally/emotionally/personality-wise. But there are always going to be those pressure points with me- pimples, legs that haven't been shaved, and frizzy/bad hair. Oh, and did I mention that my haircut makes me look kind of like a triangle-headed muppet? So that paired with the pimples and the fact that my ever-swollen healing ankle is now growing courser hair than usual is enough to make this girl crazy! Maybe you don't have these same pressure points but I'm sure there are things that get you going too.
I was trying on clothes today in the dressing room of Marshall's as part of my birthday present (I'm learning to stay on a budget...my mission was to find 3 tops and 2 pairs of pants for $100). I found a few things that were brightly colored (the snow and winter gloom are KILLING me right now and all I have here are black and drab colors right now!) and tried them on- for the first time in a lot of years I actually felt good about the way these things were fitting on my body. I still have a long way to go to get to my ultimate weight loss goal, but I've lost about 20 pounds and gained some muscle back and I was so excited that these brightly colored confections looked good on my frame. HOWEVER, only one of the tops was actually reasonably priced so I had to put back a Juicy Couture blouse, Michael Kors zipper tee and a pair of Lucky Brand jeans. Because even though it's Marshall's....it STILL wasnt' going to be below $100. So I had to put back the items that looked so good. Was I a little sad upon leaving the store? Of course. But I was also happy that I enjoyed putting clothes on my body again and I hope that continues. I had a moment, though (here's the tie-in) that I looked in the mirror, full-body and full-face and thought wow! Pimples and all, I look really pretty today. And that was a really great moment for me.
So I'll try to be not so hard on myself for each stupid little pimple that makes its way to the surface of my face (but could we be done now, please? All the stress from the last job and all the dirt from the Spartan race should be gone now, so if I could go back to normal, that would be awesome!) but with my crazy anxiety issues that I'm dealing with, it could be difficult. I'm working on those, too, but it's difficult. I have to make sure I do things that scare me a little every day so that the big things won't feel so scary and so I'll be making strides to combat my anxiety. I made myself a schedule today to cross some things off my music to-do list and although the anxiety still looms, I feel better that I've accomplished some things.
I apologize if this has felt like a big, rambling waste of time. But sometimes we all have to look inside and realize that a pimple doesn't have to crumble our entire sense of self. So here's to looking in the mirror and loving what we see, even if it isn't perfect...or even our version of perfect!