A year ago today, I was sitting in a hospital bed in Beverly Hills, CA, fresh out of surgery and completely unaware of how far into a pit of misery I had fallen. I was broken, but not just in the physical sense (although I was very much broken in the physical sense- I broke 3 bones in my ankle and dislocated the darn thing running a Spartan race). It took a lot of moaning (and not the good kind), groaning, whining, complaining, crying and pain to get me to where I am today. Not to mention compassion, forgiveness, perseverance, rehabilitation and a whole lotta love. When I left California on January 6th to come home to recuperate in NH I NEVER thought that
A. I would stay
B. I would be so much happier here than there
C. I could learn to love again- myself and others
I was in a really bad place. Even if you took away the crutches and pink cast and ugly scars, there was still the shell of the person I used to be- I was supremely overweight, unhappy, in a relationship that was going nowhere, I had been working at two jobs that made me absolutely miserable and I wasn't writing and singing. I wasn't doing any of the things that make me happy.
Fast forward a year. I am still far from a perfect specimen. I have days when I look in the mirror and I'm not-so-silently cursing the MOON-sized pimple that had to show up at the MOST i opportune time or those ten pounds that, if lost, could REALLY help out my silhouette. Or the little voice in my head telling me I need to be doing more or that I'm not good enough. And I too have crap days when everything sucks. I still have many things I need to work on. BUT- MOST DAYS?!
I feel like Superwoman. I go to the gym and I'm the only one smiling like an idiot on the treadmill because I just ran two miles on a slightly bionic ankle. I'm really good at my jobs and I'm appreciated for the work I do. I surround myself with caring, loving people who wish the best for me and I for them. I take pride in my talents and show them off in as humble a way possible. I work on my art and it moves me. I am aware that I must take care of myself first before taking care of others. I love my body- flaws and all. My family and I like each other again. I'm dating again. And I don't hate it. I'm learning to be better with my money (it's an ongoing process). I'm learning to work smarter, not harder. I'm learning to embrace those around me who are different from me but love them the same way- with a full heart. I'm learning to have fun and not set expectations to a sky-high level while keeping my standards intact. I'm learning to love myself for exactly who I am while acknowledging that there are things I'd like to tweak.
So, thank you to anyone who has helped me find my wings again on this last year's journey from Hell and back- it's been a prickly ride and I'm sure there are times when I didn't deserve your love and kindness and friendship. But I want you to know that it hasn't gone unnoticed and that I would have never been able to be standing here today feeling like this if it weren't for all of you who share little pieces of my heart. So- thank you :) I'm grateful for this moment