Thursday, December 30, 2010


People are either at their worst or their best during then holiday season. There's just no middle ground whatsoever. I should know; for the last couple of weeks I've been surrounded by evil stressed-out mommies, last minute shoppers and 'roided-out foreign men. For me, these people have been putting the "HO" in holidays and making them horrible for me. And as if the days leading up to Christmas weren't enough, people feel the need to abuse this ho-ey attitude up to and through New Year's. Valentine's Day DOESN'T count as a real holiday, people!! Let's be done with the overt rudeness and crappy attitudes by Dec. 31, okay?? All your resolutions should be to act nicer to the all the people in the service industry that help you out on a daily basis.

Some examples of the chaos I've been dealing with lately:

A woman is talking loudly on her cell phone in Spanish and asking me to help her out in Spanglish, all the while I can't get her attention and I can't really tell if she's talking to me or the person on the other line. She expects me to help her while she's on her phone.

A man answers to the name Nathalie, party of 4 while on the phone but once I've brought him and his girlfriend over to their table, I asked, "So, you're expecting two more?" And of course they say no. I ask, "You're not Nathalie party of 4?" And so the girlfriend rolls her eyes at the idiot guy and says, "Baby, why did you answer to Nathalie? I'm so sorry. Put the phone down!" See? If women ran the world...

It starts to get really windy outside, and of course no one wants to sit outside. I take a man, his pregnant wife, and their small daughter out to the terrace, and they say they want to sit inside. I tell them, like I've been coached, that it will be at least 15 minutes for a table inside. They sit down at a random table inside and I tell them that unfortunately we're saving that particular table, and that I need them to follow me back to the front desk. They start bitching at me, getting seriously pissed off, saying, "But we have a small daughter! I'm pregnant!" As if those are two things I wouldn't have noticed. If she'd said "But I have a small mole on my foot! I've got turberculosis!" Those may have been two things I would NOT have noticed right away. Thanks, Captain Obvious. So I tell them I'll grab a manager to explain the situation, apologizing profusely the whole time and trying very hard not to scream and wring this woman's neck. SO then I talk to my manager and he tells me it's not worth fighting with them, so I should just leave them there. So now I look like a HUGE ASSHOLE not only for arguing with a pregnant woman but also for telling them no and then my boss telling them yes.

Several ladies come in on Christmas Eve Day, and ask for 3 dozen vegan cupcakes, and are more than a little offput by the fact that it takes an additional 5 MINTUES to frost that number for them. They didn't call ahead or anything, they just came in and expected us to have that number of VEGAN cupcakes.

I seat this man and woman at a (I'll admit, rather small) table and they immediately start bitching at me that they want a booth (a commodity they did NOT ask for when they put their name in). So I tell them it may be at least 15 minutes, and that they will need to follow me back up to the front desk, because we need the table they are at for another party. So they don't really tell me what they want, but continue to sit there. They decide to just take the next booth that opens up, even though we never told them they could and they never told us that they indeed wanted to move. We have to tell them that unfortunately, they can't just take any table they damn well please. It would be a freaking mess if that's the way we ran things. Duh.

A man and a woman are led outside to a table, but they wish to sit inside. I tell them to follow me back up to the front desk so I can get them a table inside. The man decides to sit at a high top table, which are self-seating. Ten minutes later, the woman is still sitting outside, and the man is at the high top table. Both have ordered drinks and have no fucking clue that the other is at a different table. Talk about bad communication.

And I could literally go on for days and days but I don't have the physical capacity to re-live all these events. So go ahead, yuck it up, and just be glad if you haven't suffered through HALF of these experiences.


Wednesday, December 22, 2010


Okay, so this is what I saw emblazoned across the front of a T-shirt for sale at the Children's Place today. I read it to myself, and instantly rolled my eyes. If there's one thing I do well, it is look into store windows. Actually, usually I actually go in and buy things and only have buyer's remorse later when the credit card bills come rolling in, but I digress...So yes, here it is, on a table with other shirts just like it, the "Mom's Rock" shirt. It was folded but I'm assuming there was not a graphic of a big diamond ring that this so-called "Mom" would have worn on her finger. Plus, what child is bragging about "Mom's Rock?" 5-year-olds could give a shit about color, clarity and carats. So, we are led to believe that this national children's store chain has used improper grammar on a T-shirt they sell to consumers in their stores. This is pretty un-fucking believable to me. Number one, what company doesn't get someone to edit their graphics before printing them on thousands of products? Number two, this shirt is now going into the hands of dumb adults and impressionable children, and this will lead them to incorrectly overuse the dreaded apostrophe. Some may think I'm taking this a little too seriously, but don't you think it shows the depth of how far idiocy spans here in the U.S.? We're already overspending and obese, we can't really afford to add all-around dumbass to that list. No wonder every other country despises us. Well. Enough about that, but seriously, if you are writing anything for the public eye you should watch your spelling and your grammar. If you can't spell and your shit's all over the place, even if you are the greatest writer in the world or are selling the world's greatest product, people WILL think less of you. So go back to sixth grade and pay attention this time. It's not too hard. "Mom's Rock" is referring to the rock that belongs to Mom. "Moms Rock" is telling mothers everywhere how awesome they are. See?? Two VERY VERY different meaning.

On a completely unrelated note, today one of my coworkers was talking about how he was going home for a few days but that it wouldn't really be a vacation. I asked him why, and he said, "You know, because I have to perform for my family and all." To which I replied, " Really? My family sees me at my absolute worst..." And this started me thinking. How nice is it to have a family that tells it like it is but isn't pointing out all your flaws or inability to be thrillingly successful? My family doesn't judge me, but takes me at face value: when I'm sad, when I'm angry, when I'm hurt, when I'm elated. I never have to lie to my family, or gloss over the bad parts of my life. I never feel like I have to pretend to be someone I'm not. They support me 100% in what I do, and never inquire as to why I'm still single, or why I don't weigh 125 pounds, or why my hair is usually a hotmess. They take me for me, and let me know that they love me just the way I am. Everyone should have such a family that knows and has known so much love that they always feel at home when they are with each other. My father always instilled in us the fact that it was important to be kind to and love your siblings. I'm SO glad that this was such an important thing for him to share with us, because look at us now! I live 3000 plus miles away but I keep in touch with my family on a very consistent basis. I love them all so so much and I am so happy to have them all in my life.

So I leave you with this. This holiday season, tell your family and friends and all the people you love just how much they mean to you. They may know it, but sometimes saying it out loud can reaffirm the feeling for someone when they really need it. We only get one go 'round at this thing called life, so we might as well surround ourselves with wonderful people who make US better people. Live long, and prosper!! And love with all your little hearts.

Happy Holidays and talk to you all in the New Year!!


Thursday, December 16, 2010


So, a man walks into a cupcake shop with no intention of buying anything. He asks the cashier in barely understable, mumbled English, "How much?" and the girl proceeds to tell him the prices of the various items. He launches into some diatribe about how having the prices listed on a framed piece of paper above the treats may not be the best option, as some people may be shy and won't ask what things are if they don't know, and if they don't know the price then maybe they won't buy. The girl said to him, "Well, I know all the prices, sir, so if you have a specific question I will be happy to help you out." The man asked a series of questions while looking at the cashier but appearing to be having a conversation with himself. The girl answered the questions like a well-trained Miss America contestant: she took what she thought she heard, mixed with frequently asked questions, and answered with a cheery smile. Then the man left without buying anything, off to terrorize the next shop on the block. The girl sat down with a dramatic eye roll and sigh, and resumed putting together boxes.

Let's just say a little poetic license was used in this story, but that the actual events did happen. To me. This is just a small sample of the shit I have to deal with on a daily basis. It's getting to the point where it doesn't even phase me anymore, because it is simply material for a book I'm writing on what NOT to do. I mean, it is really surprising to me that with all the heinous, ignorant, rude idiots in the world that I've managed (for the most part) to surround myself with some of the most lovely, understanding, intelligent and talented people. Thank goodness, because if I only had dipshits to tell me what to do, I too would be a dipshit. This is why any of the friends I ever had that were dipshits in disguise are no longer my friends and also no longer in disguise: they are full-blown, no questions asked fucking idiots.

So, all you lovely people, let's take a minute to celebrate all the things that make us wonderful. I may not be perfect, but I would NEVER walk IN FRONT of a hostess trying to seat me at a table. I would never steal someone's parking spot. I would never be so ignorant as to think I knew everything about something. I would never push around a stroller the size of a small car through a crowded lobby. (Seriously?? Just leave your kids at home with a babysitter. They will appreciate Kraft mac and cheese just as much as (or maybe more than) anything you could buy them in a restaurant. Plus, it will cost you so much less, you can afford to go get ice cream or catch a movie after.) I would NEVER hear someone call Faisal party of 6 and follow a hostess to a table if my name was Joseph and I had a party of 3.

Okay, enough. The first job of the day is coming to close and it is time for my daily nap in my car. I'll talk later, and hopefully you all will go out in search of non-dipshits worldwide.

Thursday, December 2, 2010


First of all, something funky happened with my computer the other night (like, last week) and this post was never published. Enjoy!!

So I put my underwear on inside out this morning as I was rushing to get dressed and leave the house WAY after I intended. It would be okay if it were the first time this has happened, but, unfortunately I can't say that. It has happened on several other occasions, and I'm not really sure how I do it in the first place! (And, I should mention, I didn't even notice it until about my third time in the restroom today...) It's not as if my vagina really gives a shit about which way my panties lie, but I sure do. I felt like such an idot* today when I looked down and realized why they weren't 100% comfortable when I had put them on earlier. Um, duh!!

...But you have to give me points for at least WEARING underwear in the first place, right? I mean, I could have forgotten like that time in kindergarten when I was still VERY shy, and I didn't notice until I got to school that oops! I didn't have any underwear on... And of course my Dad had to get to the hospital and my mom was working, and oh the horror; I, of course, was wearing a dress. Everyone was asking, "Elizabeth, what's wrong?", Since I recall standing very still in one place and I'm sure I nervously looked around and had cheeks the color of September Red Delicious apples (especially since I'm KNOWN to get WICKED BAD hives when I'm nervous). Anyway, my mom came to save me and of course my teacher asked, "Why didn't you say anything?", I wasn't really sure THEY should be teaching or monitoring ANYTHING, let alone impressionable, human children, since COME ON! MATTERS DEALING WITH UNDERWEAR OR THE LACK THEREOF ARE VERY PERSONAL!!

And that is why I am sharing these stories here, with you.

Long stor(ies) not so short, underwear holds a very special place in my heart. I don't know that I've ever gone commando in my life (NO thank you, dreaded jeans against vag chafing--I already have enough thigh to thigh chafing as it is thanks to my healthy appetite and as-of-late-not-so-hearty workout routines), but I know some that do. I happen to actually really enjoy underwear, and previous years' credit card statements will echo this sentiment. I love lace, frills, colors, matching, comfortable and made-for-show. It doesn't matter if I'm the only one who sees it; I love putting on something pretty underneath my clothes. It just adds to the package that I see, and helps me feel sexy. It goes along with doing my hair and makeup; if I FEEL good, then I am much more confident and I am more poised, and I enjoy myself more. Who would have thought underwear would have had such a profound impact on my life??

This post wasn't meant to be all about unmentionables, but I couldn't help but run my mouth about all the pantilicious things that came to mind when I saw my silly mistake today. On another note, I got a legitimate bed and a computer desk from a friend who was heading out of town and back home-for $100, which I figured was awesome since #1, no more sleeping on the air mattress, #2 he helped me move it and #3 it cost me approximately $900 less than BUYING a new bed would have. And although I may still invest in a canopy bed frame somewhere down the line (let's face it, I am and always will be a princess), I'm much more content for the time being and I consider the $100 money well spent. And I think I will sleep much better. And I need to what with going from job to job and being out of the house from 9:30 AM to 10:30 PM!! But seriously, I am getting to love my new coworkers at both jobs and a little espresso in the AM helps me get through the day without crying and I never have "that 2:30 feeling." If anything, it's a 7:30 feeling. AND of course I love that I'm making money. I set myself up a budget that I truly feel I can stick to, plus it has a little wiggle room each month. It also allows me to pay my mom back for the blue car, put a decent sum of money in a long-term and short-term savings account, AND have a little sum to put in a "ladies' nice things" account for a rainy day purchase of, say, leopard print shooties or something equally as fun and unnecessary.

I am finishing up my dinner of raspberries, as I found I wasn't even really hungry for a full dinner. I have a little Keith Jarrett/Charlie Haden playing in the background, and I may just light a few candles and read a few chapters of this Jennifer Weiner book I took out from the library.

*idot= a word that was created when my sister and I were passing angry notes to each other and her idiot morphed into idot. Thus, idot has become a nicer way of calling someone an idiot, not unlike the gaming term, "n00b."