Right now I am eating dinner at 11:00 PM, even though I'm feeling a little sick to my stomach due to earlier Kit Kat bingeing. (At this point, I think if I even LOOK at a Kit Kat wrapper, I'll be praying to the porcelain god in no time). However, my sandwich is providing me with various nutrients that I didn't quite get with the chocolate and wafers earlier. I've taken several naps today, due to the fact that I (no lie) was up tossing and turning last night because I could NOT for the life of me quiet my mind. I was thinking about getting a job and possible cat names for cats that I don't even know if I will adopt. REALLY, LIZZ?? Do you think Anastacia and Princess Pignatelli are dumb cat names? I mean, yeah, they're a little dumb but I also think they are kinda cute. I wanted to go with Mary, Queen of Scots or something for one of the cats, but I feel like if I named a cat that I would have to deal with the fact that the cat would hate me as if it were a human and its name was Ijus Peed Myself or something along those lines. Or Steven Stevenson.
Regardless, I have been told that if I DO decide to adopt kittens, I will not only become a crazy cat lady but that I won't get a man because I'll just stay at home with the cats all the time and not want to meet any actual people. I don't know what I think about this. Part of me wants to say it isn't true, but maybe part of me IS really lonely, and I certainly don't want to limit my chances of finding great friends and relationships because hanging out with my cats is easier.
I hung out with two Berklee friends today at the La Brea Tar Pits....it is so weird. The tar literally bubbles up from under the Earth and archaeologists find tons of prehistoric fossils in them!! How cool?! My friends were joking with me about how they thought I was a lesbian since I didn't date very much in college. They were just kidding, but here's the thing: Yes, okay, duh I haven't dated that much in my short life so far. It's not that I'm not open to it, because of course I am. However, I've dated a mix of guys in the past, or TRIED to date a mix of guys in the past, and it is either one thing or another: I'm not really that attracted to them (Come ON, we've all had desperate moments every now and then), they are still in love with someone else, they are unavailable(emotionally or otherwise), they run away screaming in the other direction (still can't figure this one out and it bothers me) etc etc etc. Now I'm proud to say that for the first time in my life, since about six or so months ago, I'm okay being alone. I don't NEED to be chasing someone to feel okay about myself or feel that I have a purpose. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE to have someone to crush on, but I'm finally actually okay being single. I don't think there's something wrong with me anymore because I've never had a legitimate boyfriend. The right person just hasn't come along. I've got high standards, sure, but I'm also very easy to please. In no way am I a diva or a golddigger. Sure, I'm a little high maintenance, but I can also be very low maintenance and at least I REALIZE that I'm not perfect, okay?? Sometimes I think I just see myself in this wholly unflattering light where I think no one could possibly love me between the fact that I have baggage and that I'm not the perfect supermodel specimen.
I have to start reminding myself that it is okay not to be perfect, and that I am very desirable despite my flaws, or maybe even BECAUSE of them. I've learned grace in times of tragedy and loss. I am TRYING to keep healthy despite not being able to afford a gym membership at this juncture and bingeing on Kit Kat bars (Seriously I don't know if I'll be eating chocolate for a while). Sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I'm surprised at the girl I see there. She looks intelligent, attractive, poised, content and charming and I'm not always sure who she is and she got there. Why is it that we can take compliments from others but when we tell ourselves how wonderful we are we never listen?? I'm starting a new period of self-realization and strong self-worth. Fist pump, ladies, here's our new mantra... "I AM STRONG. I AM BEAUTIFUL. I AM INTELLIGENT. I HAVE THE POWER IN MY HANDS. NO ONE CAN MAKE ME FEEL INFERIOR WITHOUT MY CONSENT."
And that is our lesson for today. The letter was "S" for self-confidence and the number was 1, because let's face it, we all should be #1 in our own eyes.