This is my process, and, you know, all artists have a process. I go after what I want, shyly at first, taking care not to step on any toes in the way. Then I get burned, even if ever so slightly. I cry a little, have a bitty "woe is me" pity party and then I 'pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again...' The next cycle of the process I attack what I want with increased ferocity, etc etc until I either get what I want or exhaust all possibilities trying. If I don't get what I want after all that I will usually need a grieving period to go through my stages which include listening to angry, bass-booming songs that give me enough adrenaline to be the next Million Dollar Baby, eating pizza and ice cream and crying a lot. And writing some songs. Okay, maybe "some" is an understatement. But regardless, I am usually able to revert back to my normal self after this process. I've done it with boys, jobs, opportunities, broken friendships and deaths. The whole death thing is the worst because it creeps up on you when you least expect it and, at least in my case, hits you hard for unexpected periods of time and you can't do crap except feel all the feelings and come to terms with your current situation.
What I'm trying to say is two things, I guess. Number one, even though my ballsy move-across-the-country life change is going a little differently than I had envisioned, I KNOW that SOMEHOW I will be okay. I'll find a more permanent living situation, a job that pays, and I will get to work on my craft, however it may transpire. Number two, dealing with my father's death is THE HARDEST thing I've ever done (and I imagine the hardest thing I'll ever have to do) and it has me feeling like a scarred, wounded, broken soul. I ask myself, as I lie in bed, deliciously spent and ready for sleep yet kept awake by thoughts of my father and how his death has affected every aspect of my life, will I ever be okay? I can't imagine someone wanting to love someone who will never be completely whole again. All I have to give is everything I have, but everything I have isn't what I had a year ago. (How's THAT for a tongue twister?)
Sometimes, I try to con my mind into believing that what I know to be the truth is a lie. I sit in the shower, eyes shut, telling myself that I'm somewhere else, and that my father is still alive. I know better, though, because even if I give in to my temporary illusion, the reality isn't far behind. I think often about how my life has changed since January and how few true friends I have left after the aftershock of my father's death among other things. I try to continue living my life as close to the same as possible, keeping my father's spirit in mind with the choices I make. I was JUST able this week to remove the picture of my mom, dad, brother and sister from my profile on facebook and replace it with me and a few friends. I still have his number in my phone, and even though the number is disconnected, I still can't bring myself to delete it. Whenever I watch Grey's Anatomy I always end up crying because somehow Patrick Dempsey reminds me of my dad and my heart wrenches a little bit whenever I see him on screen. This isn't meant to make anyone feel bad, or make anyone's heart hurt anymore. These are just words I needed to get out, good or bad.
There are a lot of things I am unsure of. For instance, why do I get an abundance of new pimples when I am trying out my low-maintenance/no-makeup phase? Is this a cruel joke? Why do I always seem to have an increased admiration for SNL's Jason Sudeikis when I'm not crushing on anyone? (Actually, I know that answer. It's because A) I am a creepy stalker and B) because I need SOMEONE to set my sights on, ya know?) Why do I leave New England for LA and EVERY DAY is overcast and rainy so far? Why did the real Matthew McConaughey and Ashton Kutcher just add me as a friend on Myspace (SO random, I know)? Why does it take me FOREVER to become motivated enough to get up and exercise in the morning when I KNOW it is good for me and it feels SO GOOD when I'm doing it?
Like I said, silly or not, there are many things which I am unsure of. My father's death and the events and circumstances surrounding it, of course. I questions many of my choices every day, but I'm just glad to know that at the end of the day, even though my emotions might get the better of me, I am comfortable with who I am. My moral compass is pointed in (mostly) the right direction, and I never worry that I'm going to end up blackout drunk in a ditch somewhere with some guy's name tattooed on my ass. Well, let's hope not, anyway.
Long story short, I have faith in myself. If I want something bad enough, I will make it happen. It may not be the way YOU would do it, and it might make you CRAZY that I do what I do the way I do it, but that's why it's me doing it and not you. I'm going to find an apartment, and a job, and I'm going to get my music thang up and running. To everyone that is looking out for me, thank you for all your support! I so appreciate it even though I might not tell you all the time.
By the way, a rap about Karen is still on the way...I just want to wait until I get my keyboard out again so the juices will start flowing! And believe me....it will be stellar.