Thursday, December 16, 2010


So, a man walks into a cupcake shop with no intention of buying anything. He asks the cashier in barely understable, mumbled English, "How much?" and the girl proceeds to tell him the prices of the various items. He launches into some diatribe about how having the prices listed on a framed piece of paper above the treats may not be the best option, as some people may be shy and won't ask what things are if they don't know, and if they don't know the price then maybe they won't buy. The girl said to him, "Well, I know all the prices, sir, so if you have a specific question I will be happy to help you out." The man asked a series of questions while looking at the cashier but appearing to be having a conversation with himself. The girl answered the questions like a well-trained Miss America contestant: she took what she thought she heard, mixed with frequently asked questions, and answered with a cheery smile. Then the man left without buying anything, off to terrorize the next shop on the block. The girl sat down with a dramatic eye roll and sigh, and resumed putting together boxes.

Let's just say a little poetic license was used in this story, but that the actual events did happen. To me. This is just a small sample of the shit I have to deal with on a daily basis. It's getting to the point where it doesn't even phase me anymore, because it is simply material for a book I'm writing on what NOT to do. I mean, it is really surprising to me that with all the heinous, ignorant, rude idiots in the world that I've managed (for the most part) to surround myself with some of the most lovely, understanding, intelligent and talented people. Thank goodness, because if I only had dipshits to tell me what to do, I too would be a dipshit. This is why any of the friends I ever had that were dipshits in disguise are no longer my friends and also no longer in disguise: they are full-blown, no questions asked fucking idiots.

So, all you lovely people, let's take a minute to celebrate all the things that make us wonderful. I may not be perfect, but I would NEVER walk IN FRONT of a hostess trying to seat me at a table. I would never steal someone's parking spot. I would never be so ignorant as to think I knew everything about something. I would never push around a stroller the size of a small car through a crowded lobby. (Seriously?? Just leave your kids at home with a babysitter. They will appreciate Kraft mac and cheese just as much as (or maybe more than) anything you could buy them in a restaurant. Plus, it will cost you so much less, you can afford to go get ice cream or catch a movie after.) I would NEVER hear someone call Faisal party of 6 and follow a hostess to a table if my name was Joseph and I had a party of 3.

Okay, enough. The first job of the day is coming to close and it is time for my daily nap in my car. I'll talk later, and hopefully you all will go out in search of non-dipshits worldwide.

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