Thursday, October 7, 2010


Umm okay. Don't want to write too much tonight because I am SO FREAKING TIRED. But...

So we woke up at about 8 AM Chicago time this morning, only to realize that we didn't want to spend another 19 hours in the freaking car again, so we came to the conclusion that we couldn't really spend any good amount of time exploring the city. Instead, we packed up the hot mess car again and went to a little breakfast place called Yolk. It was way cute and our breakfasts were big and yummy! Heather got pancakes, Kristi got a skillet and I got an omelet-probably the best I've had in a while. I held the door to the restroom open for a man in a wheelchair and the lady he was with almost bitched me out because she was all "Don't help him out, he wants to do it himself." REALLY??!! How was I going to feel when the men's bathroom door hit this poor old man in the head? So I disregarded her words and held the door for him until he got through as any good citizen would do in the same situation.

Anyhoo, we got on our way by about 11:30 and said we would come back at another time with Heather's daughter Jess in tow, and REALLY explore the city, since it looked WAY cute. And we didn't even get deep dish pizza!! However, it seemed to me that the city was full of really nice people. I drove the first round, and the first thing Karen directed me to do was to cross four congested lanes of highway- which of course I did so well that my blood pressure rose tenfold and I had to make "a legal U-Turn" and try it again. With Heather's help, I successfully drove like a f*ckin' asshole and made it across that four lane highway, dammit, to get to our interstate in time.

We stopped for a ton of potty breaks today too, but the driving wasn't that bad. It was flat as a preteen's chest for most of the way and not very scenic but here are some of the best parts of the ride:

-The sign for the World's Biggest Truck Stop
Let's be honest. Who the f*ck cares? And while we're being honest; we saw it from the road. Not really that awesome.
-An adult store called the "Lion's Den." Karen wanted to go really bad, but instead we stopped at the Kum & Go gas station for her. Enough said.
-The "Git 'N Split" gas station in Lincoln, NE
-The "Rapid Lube" sign at the Jiffy Lube
-Gas stations called "Sheetz." We said if we drank coffee from there we might come down with the Sheetz. Maybe, we might get the Sheetz under our Sheetz.

Oh, and while we are in Lincoln? Let's get one thing straight. If you want to have a good time, don't come to Lincoln. If you want to find a bar with more than five potbellied men, don't come to Lincoln. If you want to go to a town that has a hopping nightlife scene other than a WAY SKETCHY place called "Q" with all the world's underage partygoers, don't come to Lincoln. If you want to go to a place where it doesn't seem likely you will get raped and carried off into a cornfield, again, don't go to Lincoln. But, if you want some cheap-ass strip malls and bad eats not unlike what one would find in Branson, Missouri; come to Lincoln. If you want to get your hopes up to ride a mechanical bull in a bikini top and have a not so crazy night NOT listening to a band called "Shootin' Blanks" since there wasn't enough of a crowd to merit any music, then maybe you SHOULD come to Lincoln.

We found a random bar called Red Nine. Like, you know, Red One but plus eight. There were about 15 of us there, and most of the people were from what appeared to be a lame ass celebratory party. Yet, we managed to have fun, and have six drinks for $24 including tip. That's the only reason to come to the Midwest. To get cheap drinks. We brought Karen out too, which turned into a disaster. We found her on the floor surrounded by beer cans and glasses. What the hell, Karen?? We can't take you ANYWHERE!!! She was probably just pissed that Uncle Ron's was nowhere NEAR as fun as it had sounded online. I mean, really, though. We should have known. It was on Cornhusker Highway, with a band called Shootin' Blanks. It was damned from the start.

We actually had fun in the car today with our Midwestern/Southern accents making up stories about the truckers who drove past us. There is a 7:o0 video below. I almost peed my pants I thought it was so funny.

We have another 8ish hour day tomorrow but we are bushed. Karen is god only knows where but K-Dogg and H-Bomb are already sleeping. WTF??

I'm exhausted. Bye for now. We will catch up more tomorrow!!!

P.S. The images at the top with Karen are pretty easy to decipher...
Karen is a pill-popping, gym-going, remote-stealing, bed-hogging, drunk of her ass crazy slut. Plus she's on her period now. F*ckin' great.

We have a bunch more photos and a hilarious video but the internet sucks here so I will upload them wherever I can get internet next.

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